I turned 54 last month, but did not have much chance to focus on my thoughts. Now, I have more time to do that, or at least in the next 16 days.
I find it fun to concoct plans in my head, so that would be an area I will work on in the next days. Life has become as stable as I have wished for in the past seven years, until COVID-19 turned the modern world upside down. Some questions have become louder in my head at this point in time: What will I focus on now outside my regular work? What is my next project in the next seven years? What will I be when I would turn 60?
For years now, I have become literally the head of my family in the Philippines composed of two ageing parents. It is tough to be strong all the time for them. Perhaps, what has helped me to do that is my love for them and my inner sense of justice. My father and mother have been there for me and my brothers before, and it is now just my turn to make sure life will be as kind to them as much as possible.
I am a first-born and have been raised by my parents to be a tough cookie to crack. I seemed to understand quite much about life, as soon as I started to think independently when I was five years old. I have always wondered: Was I born to be so sensitive to feelings around me?
Knowing much about how the world works early in life can be linked to my innate curiosity that led me to read all materials that were available near me when I was younger. Back then, I was already careful not to ask too much from others. I also developed a habit of processing all “complex thoughts” alone, after my elders repeatedly told me to refrain from “answering back,” when they reprimanded me, or that it was not proper to join in their discussions — because I was just a child.
My father’s words — that I must hold back my tears so I would not be perceived as weak — have led me to put a premium on building up strength. I have prayed many times in the past for strength, and it seems the heavens heard all those prayers. I was blessed to have two brothers who believed in me, despite of my imperfections. Knowing early on the story of my mother’s hard life as a youngster, and seeing her as a teacher-leader in my first school, also helped me gain strength slowly, but surely. Her examples taught me that talent can be empty without hard work, and that strength can come from trying to excel in whatever one chooses to do.
Having been raised like that — to be a strong person — made me wish, too, that others around me, especially those nearest me, would also become as strong. My ideal world is where those near me will be strong enough to overcome difficulties at different points in time, find areas they can and like to work with — and will like them back — and that they, too, will eventually shine as they can wish for and work for.
Life seems to give me responsibilities all the time, and like a good soldier, I have embraced and put the responsibilities I have taken before my personal gains or feelings. This type of personality I have evolved with has made me to not seek for people. The people who became my close friends were the ones who approached me first, and showed me they are not there to harm me, but rather are there to keep me good company through thick or thin.
The COVID-19 chain of events, and losing some people near me to COVID-19, showed me how fragile life can be. I do not know how much time I would be blessed with here in this timeline, so I have resolved to live the next days in a better way, not postponing things I like to do as I have been used to. I would also try to be more open to spur of the moment celebrations with family and friends.
I will also give more time and space to writing, since it soothes my soul. It turns out, however, that I am my greatest editor. In the science fiction genre, I might be like an “empath,” and as such, I will always care not to write all that is in my head and heart, “to safeguard the world from crumbling.” The world will not know all about me, but only parts of me.
This might be the reason why life brought me back to numbers as my main source of livelihood. Numbers can not and will not lie. I like that very much.
Quo vadis, Pru? The next train of thoughts will unveil your next journeys. Tomorrow is also here, but for now, sleep and recharge, my dear self.
